I Want to Unbelieve (by: Anonymous) 3

What if everything you every believed fought with everything you perceive? What if your value system was turned on its head? What I love about this series, which this piece highlights so well, is that the writer does not want platitudes. The writer will not be content with the simple, shallow words we throw out intending to comfort and instead slashing another gash. What if? Please be respectful in your comments below.
credit: gnuckx

credit: gnuckx

There has not been a single day in my life that I have doubted the existence of something higher than the material. Born when and where I was, that belief system has been Christianity and while the shape and structure of how I live that has changed dramatically over  the years, that’s still the label I give myself, regardless of what others may call me.

I also have quite a few agnostic friends, atheist friends, “spiritual but not religious” friends, who will tell me point blank that they can’t believe in something they can’t see. They want proof. They want graphs and tables and equations. They want logic. A dear friend asked me earlier this year, “How can you be so educated, and still be religious?”

I’ll let you in on a secret.

I don’t want to be.

I live in a world of medication, of strict diets, and of intense emotional darkness. And while I am absolutely convinced down to my core of deistic existence – I feel as if I am torn away from all that is good. I was able to tell myself for a long time that it was due to the distorted nature of the universe, thanks to sin.  Then, I started to believe the fork theory.

Everyone has a purpose, everyone is a fork. Some forks however are disposable. They’re useful forks, but once their use is done, they are tossed to the side.  The world belongs to the silver forks. So I was a plastic fork. And with this mindset, I could firmly teach that God loved you. He just didn’t love me. Or really, he didn’t know that I existed.

I was a plastic fork

On the ground

Kicked under the table, to be remembered only when it was time to take out the trash.

Recently that theory has fallen. As I continue to feel more helpless about a future that doesn’t seem to ever get better, no matter how hard I work or honest I am, I question if I’ve been ignored at all. Maybe I haven’t. Maybe, actually, the powers that be are not even neutral. Perhaps I’m actually hated.

And then, as I’ve seen friends do their best, work their hardest, and be amazing human beings, but get completely destroyed, I become more firm in this conviction. God isn’t kind. God isn’t neutral. God is malevolent.

It’s all I have left, and it’s a horrible place to be. No one wants to belong to a universe where the Creator is screwing you over on purpose. I’ve spent days and weeks begging to be shown wrong. I’ve attempted to will myself to not believe that anything is there. I can’t. It’s ingrained into my very being, but I’m exhausted and it won’t let me go. . I’ve always been deeply intertwined into feeling and experiencing the unknown. Unlike Mulder , I don’t want to believe. I want to lose it all.