I’ve been thinking about this topic for weeks now. Jennifer first brought it up and told me it was okay to share. I still don’t want to, but I want to.
I am afraid of having friends.
I am afraid that people don’t really like me. I am afraid that I fall too quickly into friendships with people and let myself get wrapped up and around in the giggles and the commonality of a moment. I am afraid the friendship people show me is fake, and just a way to get me to open up so they can make fun of me.
I am afraid when I meet new people that I will like them more than they like me. I’m afraid that once they know who I am, once they know my history, they will not want to be part of my life anymore, that they will think I am silly and stupid and not worth their time.
I am afraid in new relationships that I will cling too much and scare people away. I am afraid in weathered relationships that I don’t cling enough and push people away. I am afraid that the relationships I hold most dear are just facades and no one really wants to be around me anyway.
I am afraid that existing friendships I have are not strong enough to weather differences of opinion. I am afraid that I am not strong enough to see some disagreements as differences of opinion and instead pin to those all the worthiness of friends. I am afraid that my boundaries and deal-breakers are too strict.
I am afraid that I am not as open-minded and friendly as I want to be. I am afraid to be more open-minded and friendly because people aren’t really friends to me anyway. They just want me to open up so they can make fun of me and make me cry.
I am afraid that a new friend will like me more than I like her. I am afraid that my annoyance with some of her habits is mean, and that it makes me unworthy of her. I am afraid I will roll my eyes and hurt her feelings without meaning to.
I am 37 years old and I am afraid of having friends.