Anonymous: Age Four 5


This is the first installment of The Anonymous Project. Wow. Please leave your thoughts in the comment section. What do you no longer fear?
credit: gnuckx

credit: gnuckx

A little girl locked out. Sitting on the step outside the back door, wishing she was brave enough to just run away, but deciding that the light shining out the door was safer than venturing away in the dark.

When it got late enough, they would open the door and let me come back in.

Nobody said anything about it. I would just go into my room, crawl in the bed with my favorite stuffed bear, and cry myself to sleep.

I guess it was their way of acting as if it was back to being the way they wanted it, without a new stepdad and pesky little sister. I think it was their way of taking control.

Whatever it was, it was mean. I was the object of their wrath. They probably wished that I had run away.

I, on the other hand, thought they were pretty cool.

I loved it when they were nice to me, and always kept hope that someday they would love me like I did them.

I hated to hear them fighting with Mom & Dad. I didn’t understand why they wouldn’t just behave. I saw how they upset my parents and determined that I wouldn’t do that.

People-pleasing can start pretty early in life.

I can remember being so little that they could toss me back and forth to each other.

But I can also remember how they would intentionally miss.

At first I thought it was a fun game and that the misses were strictly accidental, but their laughter and the look in their eyes told the truth.

I remember their happy laughter as I would cry. I tried to laugh along sometimes, but after awhile I realized that it was a mean game and steered clear.

Now, here I am; 35 years later, still feeling unwanted and trapped in a mean game. Still wanting a real relationship with others who could care less about me. Except now they’ve learned how to act when others are watching. Changing from “one big happy family” to spewing lies and wounds that cut to the core in mere moments.

This is a hard reality.

It isn’t pretty and others liked it better when I just played the game. But I’m done playing. I’m not four anymore. I don’t need anyone else to protect me and it’s not my job to keep everyone happy. I still love them, but we are all old enough to know better now.

And I’m not afraid of the dark.


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5 thoughts on “Anonymous: Age Four

  • Margi

    Wow. Their cruelty is just awful. I’m so sorry you went through this, that your current experiences with them have not improved. I don’t know you, but I can tell you’re strong. Good for you for not playing anymore.

  • admirer

    beautifully written, deeply aching, wishing I could throw a punch or two but most of all heartened that you are such a strong person…and writer

  • Kurt Luitwieler

    “I still love them, but we are all old enough to know better now.” As if they DIDN’T know better then… if they had the wicked smiles and knowing laughter, they knew better…

    “And I’m not afraid of the dark.” LOVE THAT. LOVE IT.

  • Amy Mitchell

    Brave words. This makes me want to go hold my little girl and tell he she is loved, she is valued, and she doesn’t ever deserve anyone being mean to her.

    I’m so sorry that you went through all that, and I’m sorry that the adults in your life didn’t do a better job of protecting you.